A Season of Grieving

At times, everyone has loss in their lives. When there is loss, there is grief and how you grieve will be specific to you and not like anyone else.

What is normal grief? A better question is, what is normal for you? Some people and cultures are very open about their grief, wailing and crying publicly. Some people and cultures are very private about their loss, internalizing their pain and grieving privately. There is not a right or wrong way to grieve. You have to determine your range of emotions, culture, and standards and grieve in a way that fits you and your loss.

Don't let others tell you how to grieve. Nor should they tell you what to feel or tell you to pull yourself together. They are not you and don't know what your loss feels like. Even family members who are also experiencing the same loss are not you so how they handle the loss may be quite different than how you handle it. On the other hand, let those you trust help you process and let you know if they believe you are not coming out of your grief. You can get stuck in grief and sometimes it takes someone you love and trust to help you come through it.

Grief can make you feel crazy. Grief comes over you like a wave. You might be feeling okay, strong, and even-keeled only to suddenly feel as if you were knocked off your feet by an enormous wave of grief. Your emotions can swing wildly and make you feel unstable and anxious. The unpredictability of it is very disconcerting. Add to this the surreal feel, brain fog and the forgetfulness and you can feel not yourself at all.

It is okay. It is only temporary and it will pass. Even though you may feel unstable right now you should feel a continuous lessening of the grief and a return to solid ground as time passes.

How long will you grieve? Grief takes as long as it takes but the duration can be lengthened or shortened depending on several things:

• - Are you avoiding or denying your feelings? Stuffing your emotions only means that you are delaying dealing with them and makes grieving take much longer.
• - Do you feel that you have to get over it quickly? Incomplete or hurried grieving can lead to emotional problems such as depression which won't really go away until you allow yourself to fully grieve.
• - Are you acknowledging your loss, or minimizing it? Making less of what you have lost can cause you to shut down your heart in order to not feel the pain and this means you won't experience full life again either until you recognize and grieve your loss.
• - Will you admit your loss, allow yourself to feel it and take as long as necessary to process it? You will heal more quickly by doing so and are on the path back to restoration.
• - Are you doing the work of grief? Journal, write letters to the deceased, draw or paint your emotions. As you get the emotions and heartache out of you and onto paper the grief will start to lessen and heal.

Grieve now or you will do it later. You can't get out of grieving. You might be able to stuff your emotions for a time, but they will surface again and probably at a time when you are least prepared to deal with it. Grief waits for you to give it attention and is willing to wait years.

Grief will take time. Give yourself permission and time to grieve and do what you can, not what you "should." Know that this is a season of life and it will pass. Some winters are very long and cold but spring always comes. And with every spring there is a newness of life.

Grief is hard work and painful work but when you allow yourself to fully grieve you will come to acceptance and may even be able to see how you have grown through it. At the end of grief you just might see a new you emerge from a hard season of life.

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"Article by Kim West, PhD, author of Peaceful Passage - the essential guide to navigating the emotional storms and daily logistics of an at-home, end-of-life journey. You can find out more about the book at www.peaceful-passage.com."