Children in the home of the dying

Susan’s grandfather is dying in her home. Her mother spends a lot of time with him. Susan watches, she feels in the way sometimes and others it seems like no one notices her at all. She is supposed to be quiet and mom gets mad at her when she plays too loudly. She asks questions but no one seems to want to answer them so she talks to her dolls and tells them that Grandpa scares her and that her mommy doesn’t love her anymore. Susan is on a journey she never wanted to take and doesn’t understand.

Caring for a dying loved one at home can be not only difficult but all encompassing. Your time, emotions, thoughts, energy and resources can all be consumed by this 24/7 ordeal but you need to know that your children will be going through this, too. Unlike you, they don’t have the resources to understand this, handle it well, and care for themselves in this situation. They will need your help too.

Tell them as much truth, and not more, that they can understand at their age and maturity level. Answer their questions simply, honestly, and, again, according to how much they want to know and how much they can understand.

Reassure them that they are loved. Let them know that they will be cared for. Let them know that just because you have to spend more time with your loved one now does not mean that it will always be this way.

Simple gestures will go a long way here. Smile when you see them and make plans with them to spend time with them in between caring for your loved one.

Understand that they may become jealous of the time and attention the loved one is getting. Involve them to the degree they can and to the degree they want to. They can certainly sit in the room and color while you are serving your loved one dinner, for example. Invite them to help where they can without forcing them.

Let them know that it is okay for them to still be a child. There is nothing wrong with them wanting to play, see their friends and act their age. Don’t force them to suddenly mature into adulthood because of the stress and seriousness of what you are experiencing.

Reassure them that life will go on. Just because a loved one is dying does not mean that they will suddenly become ill and die. Funny things happen in the mind of a child, so don’t assume that they understand what you understand.

Help them to process in an age appropriate way. They can draw what they feel, for example. They may become suddenly clingy, almost as if they have regressed. Just know that this is how they are dealing with the stress. Hug and love them, reassure them, and they will become less needy.

Don’t try to protect them from death, you can’t. They do know about death. Leaves die, pets die, and death is always on television. Death is part of life for all of us.

We don’t want to cause them to focus on death, we want to make sure that they don’t come up with their own conclusions about it.

• - If you use the term “go to sleep” for death then they might fear bedtime.
• - If you don’t teach them that not every illness causes death, then they might be afraid of even simple illnesses like the common cold.
• - If you say “God will take your loved one home,” then they might become afraid of God and that He will take you away from them.
• - If you show them that death is a horrible and frightening thing rather than a part of every life and a transition to life with God, then they will have a fear of death that crosses over into all parts of their lives.

Your children are watching you. They will learn from you how to grieve. If you don’t allow yourself to show emotions, then they will come to believe that they must keep their feelings, fears, and hurts to themselves, too. When they see that you are sad sometimes and other times not too sad, then they learn that it is okay to feel and that emotions change. Let them know that their feelings are okay and valid.

Help them to grieve. Listen for opportunities to talk with them. Listen for fears and hurts. Let them talk without trying to fix it. Grieving people, and children, need to talk. Be there with them. Answer questions when they come up. Love them always.

Teach them that the dying of a loved one hurts our hearts. For a while we won’t be able to see them or talk with them. They will be greatly missed, but there is a reunion coming later. Give hope.

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